Equius: Be the Matchmaker
by ViDez
Summary: Written for the kinkmeme. Equius, despite his apparent dislike of Karkat Vantas, decides to help his moirail by giving the both of them a 'push' in the right direction - or not. Hinted KarkatxNepeta


_Written for the kinkmeme._

_**Prompt:** So Equius somehow finds out about Nepeta's crush to Karkat, and although he does not approve this at all, he values her happiness much more. But she manages to find no courage to confess her crush, which causes her grief, and worries him as well. So he takes things to his own hands._

_Whether this involves commanding Karkat to be Nepeta's matesprit, grabbing him and throwing him in a locked room with her, or whatever else, is up to the writer. All I am asking is that it is funny and heartwarming._

_...Let's do this._

* * *

><p>For Equius, this was almost physically painful to watch.<p>

From behind his cracked shades the Sagittarius eyed his moirail, who was sitting with Gamzee in his horn pile, staring longingly at the back of one of the most obnoxious trolls Equius has ever met in his life.

Said obnoxious troll was oblivious that he was getting stared at with huge, soulful eyes, and instead was hunched over his computer rapidly tapping at his keyboard, talking to who Equius assumed was the John human. The strong troll could barely make out blue text mixing among Karkat's loud grey responses.

His ear twitched at the despondent sigh Nepeta released into the relative silence of the room. He wasn't the only one to notice; Gamzee patted the Leo's head in response, and Nepeta flashed him a small smile.

Equius wasn't sure if the juggalo knew or not about Nepeta's unrequited flushed feelings for Vantas, but he was thankful that Gamzee tried to help nonetheless.

His gaze swivelled back to Karkat, who was now visibly grinding his teeth while his eyes scanned the monitor in front of him.

"You know what, Egbert?" Their apparent leader troll whispered throughout the silence. He typed something rapidly in response, closed his chat window and kicked himself and the rolling chair away from the computer. "Fuuuuuuck _you_!"

Karkat spun around twice in his chair before slowing down to a stop. His deadpan gaze rested on the lounging Nepeta and Gamzee, and his frown got deeper.

"What's the matter, best friend?" Gamzee drawled, shifting a little and making the horns underneath him wheeze out a few half-hearted honks. "Y'know, if you keep frowning like that your face will fuck up and you'll get wrinkles."

The juggalo flashed him a grin, "Wanna sit on my horn pile, motherfucker? It helps me relax."

Equius let out a small scoff of disapproval and exasperation at the bright blush that appeared on Nepeta's face at Gamzee's offer.

"There's not even any room, dumbass." Karkat muttered.

"O-Oh, um... Karcat can take my spot if he wants to." Nepeta offered in a small voice. Equius rolled his eyes.

Gamzee let out a rough chuckle and shook his head, "Naw, sis. There's no need for that. He can take my motherfucking spot."

Nepeta's eyes took on a hopeful shine. Equius almost gagged.

"Nah, it's okay." Karkat sighed, standing up from his rolling chair and walking towards the transportalizer. "I've got shit to do."

Nepeta's resulting expression made Equius feel a twinge of pain in his chest. She looked about ready to cry her heart out, and _gogdarnfiddlesticks_ Equius did _not_ want to deal with a crying Nepeta right now!

"Nepeta," He murmured quickly as he saw that her bottom lip started wobbling. The Sagittarius walked towards his moirail and offered a hand to her, "Shall we? I'll escort you to your respiteblock."

Nepeta nodded feebly and accepted the hand, allowing Equius to gently pull her up to her feet and guide her to the transportalizer.

* * *

><p>As they walked in relative silence towards Nepeta's respiteblock, Equius' thoughts wandered.<p>

What did his moirail _see_ in Karkat Vantas? All Equius saw was a loud troll with an overall unpleasant disposition and is very secretive about his place on the hemospectrum. Vantas is an angry troll, and Nepeta is a troll with an overall happy character. He's heard of opposites attract, but this was just a little too ridiculous for his tastes.

Not to mention Vantas swears a lot and it made Equius wince every time he thought about it. What deplorable language! Unacceptable, unpardonable, _unforgivable_...! Why did Nepeta have to have flushed feelings for a troll like _Vantas_, of all things?

But Equius didn't have the heart to do it. He didn't have the heart to tell Nepeta to stop. He didn't have the heart to tell her to get over him. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

Equius felt like punching something. He couldn't change Nepeta's mind, no matter how hard he tried. Vantas wasn't even interested in her, for gog's sake-

He stopped in his tracks.

"...Equius?" Nepeta voiced out uncertainly.

Oh, that's it.

Oh yes, that was perfect.

"Equius... Why did you pawse?"

"... Nepeta..." The strong troll replied slowly, his mind racing. "Why don't you go ahead? I just remembered that I have something... important to do."

Before Nepeta could get another word out he spun on his heel and started walking back down the hallway.

* * *

><p>"Stupid Egbert and his stupid, stupid insinuations..." Karkat grumbled as he got out of the bathroom, all fresh out of the hot shower and clad only in his favourite pair of boxers - a pair that had 'The Thresh Prince of Bel-Air' logo printed all over it. Stifling a yawn, he walked towards his drawer to look for a clean pair of slacks.<p>

He abruptly froze, however, as he heard his door opening and closing.

"Who's there?" Karkat called out with a hint of a growl in his voice. He was met with silence. The troll frowned, slowly closing the drawer and his hand carefully inching towards the sickle nearby.

A horn honked, and Karkat let a snarl rip out from his throat.

"Dammit, Gamzee!" He howled, turning around but finding no one there. His eyes darted around, "How many times do I have to fucking tell you to knock? Stop hiding and show yourself."

There was no response, but Karkat's eyes did zone in at a lone horn just lying there in front of the door. The troll gritted his teeth and walked towards it, bending down and snatching it.

"Gamzee, you better stop hiding right now so I can kick your slime-eating ass and yell at you for not having any fucking decorum-"

"Vantas."

"-Wha-?"

Something was tied around his eyes and mouth, obscuring his vision and choking down the alarmed yell that bubbled in his throat.

* * *

><p>Kanaya looked up from her monitor and stared at the ceiling.<p>

"Did you hear something?" She mumbled.

Gamzee shrugged, the action making the horn pile squeak, "Motherfucking miracles?" He guessed.

* * *

><p>Nepeta let out a sob and hastily wiped away her coloured tears with her coat sleeve. She was hunched over in the corner of her respiteblock, with her knees to her chest and quietly sniffling to herself.<p>

Why couldn't she do it? Why couldn't she just _go out and say it_?

"I'm a cowardly meowbeast," She blubbered, "I can't even tell him I have flushed feelings for him. It's impawsible..."

Nepeta felt ridiculous. She's thought of it so many times; just running up to Karkat and blurting out that she's flushed for him, and him returning the feeling and they become matesprits and live happily ever after-

-or even the other way around, where Karkat is the one confessing to _her_, and she happily returns the feelings and then they become matesprits and blissfully elope and-

Nepeta blushed and smacked her forehead. Now that was just getting a _bit_ too ahead with herself.

"Gog dammit Nepeta..." She whispered into the silence of her block, "Get a hold of yourself! There are two answers - fifty purrcent chance of it being a yes. Just ask Karcat... Confess to him... Ohh!" She grabbed the edges of her hood and pulled. "Why am I so afurraid?"

_**SLAM!**_

That was the sound of her respiteblock's door flying off its hinges and slamming into the opposing wall, shattering into pieces.

Nepeta perked up, "Oh, Equius! You're... back..." She trailed off, finally absorbing just _what_ Equius had slung over his shoulder.

The Sagittarius flashed her a sharp grin and threw his cargo onto the ground. The 'cargo' let out a muffled 'oomph' and struggled with his bonds.

It was Karkat.

In nothing but his 'Thresh Prince of Bel-Air' boxers.

Wrapped in a huge red and green ribbon, complete with a bow tying both his wrists together behind his back.

The Leo's brain almost shut down.

"Merry belated-slash-early Gristmas, Nepeta." Equius nodded curtly, backing out and exiting the room.

Nepeta stared at the troll before her, who had seemingly given up with struggling and just kind of... lay there, waiting for his expected doom. The ribbon was wrapped messily around Karkat's eyes and mouth, around his arms and torso, and down to his legs. It reminded Nepeta of a grub, somewhat.

_"...Mmphtuh,"_ Karkat mumbled through the ribbon. Nepeta could feel his fiery glare through his makeshift blindfold. _"Mmhhrphhchn nnthy mmh phhss..."_

"I-I'm sorry; what did you say?" The female troll stammered, kneeling down and gently pulling the ribbon down to expose Karkat's bared teeth.

"I said: Nepeta," He snarled, "motherfucking _untie_ me..." His frown became deeper, "Please."

The female troll couldn't help it; she giggled at Karkat's attempt of being polite, but she did as he asked anyway.

With Karkat finally free of his bonds he stretched his limbs, sighing in satisfaction at the numerous cracks that followed. His gaze rested at the madly blushing Nepeta, who had turned her gaze away to her shipping wall to maintain whatever decency he had left.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Nepeta; I'm not naked." Karkat rumbled, now sitting cross-legged on the tile floor. Shit, his legs were starting to feel a little chilly.

"In fact, Equius couldn't have kidnapped me at a better time!" He continued sarcastically. "I was just about to put some pants on, when suddenly I hear one of Gamzee's horns going off in my room. Of course, being the stupid fuck I am, I dropped my guard down - just a little - because he's my gogdamn 'best friend'. So, I find the horn, go to pick it up, do so, _and lo and behold_!"

Karkat uncrossed his legs and kicked the discarded ribbon pile next to him, "That hoofbeast-loving motherfucker ties me up with _this thing_, manhandles me with his ridiculous brute strength, throws me in front of you in your respiteblock, and tells you: 'Merry. Fucking. _Gristmas_.'" He hissed, his eyes turning into slits.

"Care to explain, Nepeta?"

The Leo slowly shook her head, "I honestly don't know what's going through his mind." She admitted.

"...Well," Karkat griped, throwing his arms in the air. "That's just fucking _great_! And here I thought you ordered him to because of your ever-so-flushed feelings for me!"

Nepeta squeaked in response, and Karkat froze at what he just said.

"H-H-How- Y-You knew about that?" She wailed.

The male troll groaned and slapped his forehead. "Me and my bigass mouth - I was hoping to avoid this." He muttered under his breath, before continuing in a normal volume.

"Yes, Nepeta. I knew all about your flushed feelings for me. That is probably why Equius went and kidnapped my half-naked self just to bring me to you. _At least he should've let me put on some pants first_!" He screamed the last part at the doorway. "Unless his intention was for us to 'get our freak on', as that Dave human oh-so-_eloquently_ put one day, that won't happen. And I know he wouldn't even _allow_ that shit to happen."

Cue slightly awkward silence.

"Um," Nepeta mumbled, blushing and tapping her index fingers together. "So... what are your thoughts on it?"

"Hm?" Karkat raised an eyebrow, momentarily confused.

"I... I have flushed feelings for you, s-so... what's your answer?"

Karkat opened his mouth-

* * *

><p>"<em>Vantas," Equius' smooth voice momentarily made Karkat cease his struggling with the strong troll. "I'm going to bring you straight to Nepeta, because it's not only distressing her, but it's distressing <em>me_ as her moirail, that she cannot bring herself to confess her flushed feelings for you."_

"_...Mmht I nnww," Karkat's muffled voice replied. "I nnww she hs phlssht mmphhlngs fr mmh."_

"_Yes, I know _you_ know about her flushed feelings, so I'm going to be quite _clear_, Vantas."_

_Karkat shuddered at the threatening tone Equius used._

"_Should you return her flushed feelings, which from what I've observed is highly unlikely at this present moment... Or, should you not return her flushed feelings... Either way..."_

_Equius' voice lowered into a dangerous growl, making Karkat be silently thankful for the blindfold he had on at the moment, because if he saw the strong troll's face at this moment he would probably wet his boxers._

_And that would be bad._

_Because, well, Equius would know about his placement on the hemospectrum._

_Oh, and because he'd pissed his boxers. And probably on Equius._

_And then the Sagittarius would've killed him._

"_...If you hurt her, I will break every single bone in your tiny little body, one-by-one, and tear off your flesh by the layers. And I will make sure you're conscious enough to witness it, and the pain it brings. Is that clear, Vantas?"_

_Karkat managed a weak nod, "Mmyus..."_

"_...I'm glad we are in accordance."_

* * *

><p>-and abruptly shut it, his teeth making an audible click.<p>

"...Nepeta," He began slowly, re-crossing his legs to get comfortable. "Please don't take any offense to this, but... I don't return your flushed feelings."

The Leo's eyes became wide and full of hurt, and Karkat internally panicked as Equius' ominous words loomed in his head once more.

"I mean, think about it!" He added quickly. "We're only - what - six sweeps old? That's the equivalent to, uh... shit, thirteen human years, I think! And Egbert - the John human I was trolling - told me that age is pretty damn young to be thinking about matesprits and shit like that!"

"But we're not humans..." Nepeta frowned delicately.

"Y-Yeah, but we're still too fucking young for this." Karkat shrugged. "We've still got a few sweeps to go! And, uh, we can worry about that particular quadrant later. Kanaya isn't hatching the matriorb anytime soon, and it still has a bit of growing to do once it gets hatched, so..."

Nepeta's eyes were sparkling now; Karkat took that as a good sign - hopefully she'd stop fawning for him. Not that he thought of Nepeta as a nuisance or anything, it's just... weirding him out a little.

"So... Maybe, in the future...?" She prodded in a hopeful tone.

...Or not. She'd still have that flushcrush on him, but Karkat will take whatever he can get... just as long as Equius doesn't grind his bones into seasoning for his next breakfast. He needs Nepeta skipping out of the room smiling and laughing, not crying and looking absolutely miserable.

That's... just not Nepeta, he admitted to himself.

"It's possible." Karkat replied, shrugging. "Who knows? My feelings might change, maybe yours. Just give it a few sweeps. Only time will tell."

Nepeta, looking much better (much to Karkat's immense relief), nodded.

"Okay... thanks for listening, Karcat." The Leo chirped. She crawled up to him, leaned up and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

Karkat rolled his eyes, trying his darnest not to blush. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

_**Honk.**_

"Hey, sis. Still up for chilling in my horn... pile...?"

The two turned towards the doorway, where a bemused Gamzee was standing with an armful of horns.

Then Karkat had a sinking realisation on _how_ they might've looked like to the other troll; with him freezing his ass off in his favourite boxers and Nepeta's face close to his. Not to mention that her lips were still attached to his cheek.

The duo blinked. Gamzee blinked back, and then spoke up:

"Err, sorry. I didn't mean to motherfucking interrupt on your attempts to pail, so-"

"_WE WERE NOT PAILING!"_

* * *

><p><em>Lame ending. I apologise.<em>


End file.
